Peeking into my Perception of Life

This morning (Dec. 21st, last day of earth’s existence) some of the seminary teachers where standing outside the front doors in a very business like manner and saying “Welcome to the Spirit World” as people walked past. I love Seminary XD

Its allmost 4 AM, I’m tired of browsing Facebook and Twitter, playing games and watching YouTube on my phone. But when I put down my phone the first thing that enters my mind is that feeling in my throat like it’s closing up. I have seminary in 3 hours and then a full day of school work that I have no idea how I’m going to pull through. A few days ago I had a really long talk with my Aunt who lives nearby, (I’ve mentioned many times before, she was a psychologist) according to her most of my Anxiety appears to be based on stress, sounds about right. Honestly I wish I could leave this life and everyone and everything in it behind, and take off somewhere quiet where I could get a job, a home to myself and maybe even make some friends. And once I had recovered, I could take some classes online in things I am interested or if luck would have it, a college campus nearby…. Blah blah blah. Obviously the only way I’m getting away from anyone or anything is to kill myself, which isn’t going to happen ether. Which leaves me with what options for getting rid of anxiety exactly? I guess there are pills, but those scare me and I refuse to take anything chemically engineered to change any chemical levels in my brain. There’s the option to just survive the next 7 months until I graduate High School, but at this rate it feels like it’s going to kill me, and there is the serious matter or me becoming so stressed and anxious that it affects my ability to work so much that I fail my senior year and have to do another year, in which case the stress would kill me. (I’m not joking, it would ether give me a heart attack or lead me to killing myself) At any rate, this has got to stop. I can’t sleep or work very well anymore, and the most “enjoyment” I get out of life are those extremely rare times I get to spend time with my closest friends. I get very depressed allmost every day now and I can barely leave my house anymore without feeling anxious or worse. If any of my best friends even had a clue as to how severe I have gotten, they would be contacting me on a daily basis to check up on how I was doing. I sure as hell know I would. I would be scared to death if one of my friends where suffering (yes Suffering, anyone who has been through anxiety can agree it is a literal hell) this badly, for their sake, first to see if there was anything I could do to help, second to talk to them in case they needed it, and third to make sure their emotions whernt making, or going to make them feel suicidal at the time the I contact them!

Man today has been a hard day. I worked so hard to stay above anxiety and depression, but at the end of the day things I was looking forwards to ended up not happening and instead my dad went on one of his angry yelling rampages again. I felt so drained… And around 1 am one of my friends texted me and basically just needed to vent. I had no idea how I could possibly deal with his venting considering I am completely emotionally drained. But I decided to listen to him anyway rather than ignore him, and the entire time we talked I felt a weird little boost of energy that was just enough to allow me to talk to him without collapsing emotionally. And afterwards the energy disappeared. I’m never going to risk ignoring my friends No matter how I feel. Nope.

Gah, I need to stop forgetting to post to Tumblr.. So here’s the most recent snapshot of my life. Good stuff: Thanksgiving this week! Aimee said she’s going to hang out with me again this week (finally got together for a while a few days ago) so I’m way excited for that :) And I get to go see bill for three whole days up in Idaho!! :D And… Well really that’s all. Bad stuff: first bad thing is where do I even start. I’m so swamped with homework it is truly ridiculous. If you didn’t know I am home schooled and I take all my classes through an online high school. The teachers are all college professors, and most of them have really high expectations. And on top of that I am taking 9 classes, and the limit is 5. The reason why is 2 years ago I was in a stupid school system that had me do classes that didn’t yeild any credits (I was not aware of this idiocy) so I am having to make up for those credits. Secondly I have a new anxious feeling that is harder than ever to control and feels even more real than anything else. And, I’ve been really punchy and Pissed off lately. I know I’m weird, I pride myself on being different, I can’t stand the thought of being the same as anyone else, which is fine. And I allways keep certain feelings I feel about others to myself. Well recently I’ve been telling my best friends about my girl problems, about the girl who seems to be hinting at me a lot, and the girl I like… Well one of my best friends after I told him about the girl I liked said, “Haha, that is so weird coming from you”. Hey. I’m a Human too, I have feelings like everyone else, which includes feelings for other people sometimes. So I feel kind of stupid and weird after him saying that. And I haven’t told anyone else this yet but, I’m pretty sure the girl I was talking about likes me. Doesn’t even seem like she wants to talk or be around me lately. I rarely see her and I haven’t talked much to her, but you know. It sure reinforces the feelings my best friend gave me about being weird in a strange way. Forever alone I guess. Anyway there it is, hopefully for those of you who read my Tumblr posts, I’ll remember to post more often *drags Tumblr icon to homepage of phone*